You Are Safe
I remember it like it was yesterday... I can still feel remnants of pain if I close my eyes and let myself go back to that place. Honestly, I hope I can always feel that piece of heartache. I never want to lose sight of what God has done in my life; He replaced emptiness & sorrow with fulfillment, joy & so much gained. I never want that realization to grow stale.
It was November, the week before Thanksgiving. I had just taken a pregnancy test to confirm the suspicion I had. I went so dizzy that I had to take a seat on the edge of my bed. First time in my life that I thought I would faint. My empty apartment was so quiet, yet all the thoughts whirling through my mind were so loud. "God, why now? Why would you allow a life to be born from this absolute mess of a marriage?" You see, my husband had left earlier in the week. That in and of itself wasn't anything new, he had been walking in and out of my life for the past 6 months. But why, after 2 years of marriage and no babies, would it happen now? Right in the middle of things collapsing... I know now, it was because only God can bring a beautiful life from death and decay. And also, because this little life would give me hope and purpose in a season of despair. And because this life... has so much more light to bring this world.
The next 9 months I grew this child in my womb. I was lonely and scared but also incredibly excited and hopeful. During this season I had ministry (as I had previously known) and marriage both ripped away. Instead of ministering on a platform as I used to do, instead I was able to enter into worship just God and myself in my room. I believe that sincere worship was the first sound to cover my baby girl. As she formed and developed, songs of deliverance were sang over her by default. During this season God enabled me to pen the words to the beginning of a song. A song that reminded me that while everything around us crumbles, He is still God. He is still sovereign. He is still in control which means we are safe.
I didn't finish the song. For some reason I wasn't able to hear and see where the song should go. Side note: Isn't that like life, though? We sometimes, many times, can't see how things will finish... we just have to walk it out. But I remember singing the verses and chorus over my daughter and myself, in faith that God would be the Victor in our story. The lyrics "I am safe, I am safe. I'll no longer be afraid, for I am safe. You (God) are all around, I feel You now, beckoning my heart I hear You say I am safe" were things I had to declare over myself. It was necessary to speak these things because to be very clear, most days I didn't feel it.
After I had Lark, I moved back to Indianapolis. I began attending my current church and eventually became involved in the worship department. It was here that I met Korey. We began dating about a year after we met. Soon after our first date he asked to see some songs I had written. I sheepishly got out the old tattered paper from several years before where I had written the chords and words to "Safe". I remember feeling silly because it wasn't even finished. But together, we sat out on the patio on a warm summer evening and finished the song together.
If I had only known that this song (that was birthed from a place of loneliness) would be finished just a few years later (with a Godly man by my side)... A man who would love my daughter as his own. A man who would welcome my pain and past hurts, cherishing the hard but beautiful lessons taught to me. A man who would lean on God's understanding while holding my hand through life. If I had only known... I would have been able to sing those lyrics with the concrete knowledge that everything really would work out. But how much sweeter to have sang those lyrics in the middle of devastation, still trusting God. I have no doubts that my trust and faith in those moments meant so much to my heavenly Father.
Two and a half years after I began writing this song, Korey and I recorded it on our honeymoon. "Safe" is an anthem of safety, of course, but also shows the magnificence of God and the intimacy He desires with us. It's a contrast of His grandeur, our humanity and really, it's a picture of the relationship between the two.
Whatever dark place you may be living in today, I hope my testimony can give you faith that His goodness will shine light on it tomorrow, and you will be safe.